But Whose Manners?

A while ago, I read an interesting piece in the Sydney Morning Herald on the role of schools in teaching manners and values to children. There were those who strongly felt that the school is there to teach academics whereas values and behaviour are the province of parents alone, whereas others had an equally strong view that value-education is also part of the school's brief. 

I then had the opportunity of discussing this very subject with a number of young parents. Allow me to briefly recap some of what was said. 

Parents have the responsibility to equip their children for life. This includes the responsibility of ensuring that their children have a trade or profession. The Talmud says in Kiddushin, "Anyone who doesn't teach their child a trade is as if he has taught him to steal!" The implication is that if the child doesn't have a way of making a living legally he will resort to less than honest ways of doing so. 

However the primary role of parents is Chinuch. Although often translated as "education", this fails to conjure the full meaning of "Chinuch". Chinuch, far from being the mere accumulation of the knowledge and skills required to succeed in life, implies character building. To put it simply, it means creating a Mensch. 

What is a Mensch? 

A person for whom gratitude and humility, kindness and generosity, and empathy with the plight of others are second nature. 

In short: a person who understands that success in life is measured not by how much you have gotten but by how much you have given. 

Our rabbis explain that children are born selfish.Their lives revolve around themselves and their needs, which when not met, lead to crying and tantrums. It is for parents to gradually and gently guide their children away from the centrality of "self" to a genuine concern for the "other". Indeed, that is the true significance of the coming of age that we know as Bar/Bat Mitzvah. 

Parents engage in this process with their children by:

    • setting a living example by their own personal conduct;

    • having direct discussions with their children about moral issues;

    • teaching their children (a) to give charity regularly, (b) to express appreciation to G-d and to other human beings and (c) to look out for their less fortunate friends or siblings.

Each one of the above is important. Children learn from what we do far more than from what we say. Conversing with our children on moral and ethical issues deepens our relationship with them. And by far the most critical element of all is habituating our children to do good things: Tzeddakah, prayer, manners, caring. As our Rabbis have taught us: "It is through our actions that our hearts are drawn." Good "motions" create good "emotions". 

Should this be the role of the school or of the home? In an ideal world this is not an area of responsibility that should be delegated to the school. However we are not living in an ideal world. Many parents just do not know how to be parents - it's not one of the subjects that they learnt at school! And therefore the schools, as the Lubavitcher Rebbe often emphasised when speaking about both Jewish and non-Jewish children, should fill the breach. Teaching academics in a moral vacuum is not education, and certainly not "chinuch". One can only hope that values, when properly taught at school, are not undermined in the home. 

The truth remains however that it is the home, rather than the school, that is ideally suited for teaching values. Parents must be aware that their role is not merely that of "Provider" and "Playmate". As an older parent I can tell you that our children are in our care for all too short a time. We have a very small window of opportunity to guide them and give them insight into what a truly meaningful and fulfilling life is about. We dare not squander it. 

Rabbi Benzion Milecki OAM
Shabbat Eikev, 5773 / July 27th